The 11 Rules of Being a Real Urban Homesteader*

1. This isn’t Fight Club. Talk about urban homesteading to everyone. Go ahead and be an urban homesteading asshole. Even if they aren’t interested force them to listen to you. Eventually they will “get it” and will thank you for forcing it upon them.

2. You must live in a city. Well, duh. But you can’t just live in a city, you cannot have more than 1/6th of an acre. Anything over that doesn’t count. See, we’re not Real Urban Homesteaders because we have a quarter acre. Too much land to be a bonafide Real Urban Homesteader so we call ourselves Urban Farmers.

3. Go 100% Green. Even if it doesn’t make financial sense to buy that $10,000 solar power system do it anyways. You want to be an Real Urban Homesteader don’t you? So what if you go into debt that you will never climb out of.

4.Get rid of your cars. Buy a cart for you bike and then ride it everywhere, including that horse ranch where you can use the cart to stock up on horse manure. So you may have to make several trips and won’t be done until next year. But that’s ok, you’re trying to be a Real Urban Homesteader.

5. Work out of your home. It will reduce your need for a car. Need to go to a meeting? Show your clients you’re a Real Urban Homesteader by showing up on a bicycle.

6. Grow all of your own food. Don’t have space to grow grains? Well, you’ll just have to go without baking. Can’t do fruit trees. Too bad, you’ll have to rely on berries for sweetness. Severly allergic to bees? Get over it and get a hive anyways. At least you’ll die a Real Urban Homesteader.

7. Raise your own livestock. What? You live in an apartment? Move out of your bedroom and build a rabbitry in there. They’re quiet, no one will ever know. You can slaughter them on your balcony. Chickens and goats are illegal where you live? Don’t worry about minor things like that. So what if the city you live in fines you $50/day per chicken/goat? You’re a Real Urban Homesteader producing your own food.

8.  Install a composting toilet and use humanure in your garden as fertilizer. Yes, grow your food in your own excrement. It’s organic! Only take showers once a week to reduce your water use. All that water needs to go to your pooh-fed organic garden.

9. Learn how to make everything from scratch. Learn how to can, pickle, ferment and preserve. Make your own bread. Learn how to cure meat and make cheese. Grind your own wheat by hand. Make your own beer, wine and soda. Blow your own glass for canning. Tan hides and weave cloth. Make and mend your own clothes, shoes and hats from those hides and cloth. You don’t need any outside inputs because you’re a Real Urban Homesteader.

10. Create zero waste. Kitchen scraps should be composted. Since you produce everything yourself you won’t have anything else to throw away.

11. Convert your neighbors into Real Urban Homesteaders. Afterall, they have to deal with the noise and stink of your livestock so why not get their own? Refer to Rule #1 if you need help. They’ll eventually see your side of things. If they don’t just build higher fences.
Follow all of these rules to become a Real Urban Homesteader.
*This, of course, is just a parody of some of the most hardlined urban homesteaders out there. Please don’t take it serious. You don’t really need to do any of these things to be an urban homesteader. It’s just to make you laugh.

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